And People Think City Cyclists Are Crazy?
No, this is crazy: today I saw a guy roller-blading down Lincoln Avenue while pushing a double-wide baby stroller. Sheesh, somebody ought to call DCFS or something.

Another observation: I was eating a leisurely lunch at Costello Sandwich & Sides while reading a great book (so far, at least), Ogallala Blue by William Ashworth. The Cubs game was on the overhead TV in the corner. Occasionally, I looked up from my book to see the Cubs beating the tar out of the San Diego Padres. Having been emotionally scarred as a child by the 1984 National League Championship Series, I still love to see the Cubs whip them, even though that slimy bastard Steve Garvey is long gone. But I digress.*

Anyway, over the two hours that I was there (I told you it was leisurely!), I saw at least half a dozen women wearing Cubs jerseys or t-shirts come in to buy sandwiches. Strangely, every one of them sat at a table outside instead of sitting inside where they could watch the game. Granted, it was a beautiful day, but still. I couldn't imagine my mom -- a real Cubs fan** -- choosing a little sidewalk sunshine over a good Padre pummeling.


* I'll make this a footnote to avoid digressing even more. In 8th grade, I had a history teacher who would use that phrase several times an hour. The word digress will forever remind me of him, as will any mention of the Civil War -- he was a reenactor, and he'd often wear his uniform to class.

** My definition of a real Cubs fan: someone who goes to Wrigley Field to watch the game, not to get drunk on ridiculously overpriced beer.

Labels: baseball

- posted by David Johnsen @ 6:02 PM 0 comments

 
Lyrics of the Day
Here's a special Mother's Day edition of LotD featuring "Mama Tried" by the legendary Merle Haggard:

And I turned twenty-one in prison doing life without parole
No one could steer me right, but Mama tried, Mama tried
Mama tried to raise me better, but her pleading I denied,
That leaves only me to blame, 'cause Mama tried

Labels: lyrics

- posted by David Johnsen @ 2:52 PM 0 comments

 
70 Years, 70 Miles... And $70,000!
The local cycling scene has been full of bad news, anger, and sadness lately, so here's something good from the Southeast...

I got an e-mail earlier this week from Katherine Jeter of Spartanburg, SC. She had read about my Grand Illinois Trail tour, and she was wondering if I could give her some bike-friendly directions for an upcoming visit to Illinois (thanks, Chris). I don't think she'll mind if I quote her:

Loved reading about your 2000 trip. I am a 69-year-old grandmother, training for a 70 mile bike ride on my 70th birthday, on October 25th, to raise $70,000 for my two favorite charities. We've already surpassed $31,000!

This woman has more ambition at 69 than I had at 19! In another e-mail, she forwarded a newspaper article about her efforts. She is raising money for the Yellow Ribbon Fund, which assists soldiers and their families while the soldiers are receiving medical treatment, and Jack's Place, which provides housing for patients at Shaw Cancer Center in Colorado.

One thing that Jeter liked about my GIT tour was that I did it on a hybrid bike. She said that "bike snobs" give her a hard time, but she loves her Trek hybrid. Although she was probably disappointed to learn that I now ride a touring bike most of the time, I told her I know a Trek hybrid rider who will enjoy hearing her story.

If you want to help Jeter reach her fundraising goal by supporting these worthy causes, scroll down to the bottom of the article and look under "More Information."

Labels: bicycling, charities

- posted by David Johnsen @ 12:14 PM 0 comments

 
Bastard of the Day
Perennial bastard Alderman Bernard Stone is at it again. This time he wants to put a senior center in Warren Park.* This sums it up nicely:

"Parkland is not a land bank for other government agencies," said Erma Tranter of the Friends of the Park organization.

It's Rogers Park, for goodness' sake. There are plenty of vacant lots and dilapidated properties that would be ideal for a senior center rather than stealing parkland from the general populace.

This might be the best comment on a Tribune story I've ever read:

For years we've screwed ourselves "for the sake of the children." Now that the boomers are getting up in years it's time to screw ourselves "for the sake of the seniors."

Speaking of seniors, I wish that crusty, old bastard Stone would just retire already.


* Although the article doesn't mention Stone until the last few paragraphs, anybody who knows Chicago politics knows that an alderman is always responsible for what is or is not built in his ward. Recall how Stone ridiculously used another senior project to deny a pedestrian/bicyclist bridge. If the Chicago Children's Museum desecrates Grant Park, it will be a rare example of an alderman not getting his way -- bowing to the ultimate clout, Mayor Daley.

Labels: bastards, Chicago

- posted by David Johnsen @ 5:55 PM 1 comments

 
Lyrics of the Day
A special treat for those who saw the Drive-By Truckers at Metro on Saturday was "The Tough Sell," a song from their second album, Gangstabilly, that has been played only one other time this year (and only seven times since 2004). The protagonist describes making a purchase from stereotypical used-car salesman EZ DAN:

I shifted my weight from one foot to the other;
It certainly wasn't the car of my dreams, but the price was right.
And EZ DAN assured me that the mid 70's were a particularly nice period for Chrysler products in general,
"and this one is a Volare."

EZ DAN doesn't fare well in the next verse, but let's say he probably deserved what he got. My first car was a 1977 Plymouth Volare, and I assert that the mid 70s were not "a particularly nice period for Chrysler products," except perhaps for desert dwellers. That car never ran worth a damn in the rain, no matter what I fixed or replaced. At least I was fortunate to have the V-8 (318 c.i.) instead of the standard straight six.

I had some good times with that car, no matter how many times it broke my heart.

Labels: cars, lyrics

- posted by David Johnsen @ 1:38 AM 0 comments

 
Lyrics of the Day
In "Women Without Whiskey", Mike Cooley of the Drive-By Truckers ponders love and liquor:

If morning's a bitch with open arms, then night's a girl who's gone too far.
Whiskey is harder to keep than a woman and it's half as sweet,
but women without whiskey?
Women without whiskey?
Whiskey is hard to beat.
Whiskey is hard to beat.

Much to the dismay of 12-steppers everywhere, the booze wins.

Labels: alcohol, lyrics

- posted by David Johnsen @ 11:55 PM 0 comments

 
I'm Stumped
There has to be a good homophone-related joke here, but I can't think of one right now:

HONOLULU - May Day was Lei Day in Hawaii. Volunteers hoping to set a record for the world's longest lei strung together flowers that stretched for more than a mile at Kapiolani Park in Waikiki on Thursday, organizers said.

On a related note, I must confess that, despite being a stickler for grammar, I tend to misuse lie and lay just to amuse myself. Here is the depressing part of the story:

Success seems all but certain, because organizers say there currently isn't a Guinness record for the world's longest lei.

Damn! That means that until now, I could have made a much shorter lei -- because I'm always stringing up flowers in my spare time at DJWriter HQ anyway -- and claimed the record. Another blown opportunity to get into the Guinness book!

Labels: jokes

- posted by David Johnsen @ 10:34 PM 0 comments

 
The Government Is Experimenting On Me
I've been gassed:

Calling it the most effective tool to date in the War on Terror, the Pentagon announced Monday that it had developed a new chemical weapon called "ennui gas," a nerve agent that overwhelms its victims with sudden philosophical distress over the meaningless tedium of human life and a sinking sense that everything they have ever accomplished ultimately amounts to dust... Symptoms include uncontrollable sighing, repeated utterances of the phrase "What's the use?" a confusion and bitterness regarding one's place in the universe, and an increased proclivity to listen to Lou Reed records.

At least now I have an excuse. And I do have a lot of Lou Reed* records.


* Speaking of Lou, no one told me he got hitched again last month.

Labels: drugs, jokes

- posted by David Johnsen @ 2:52 PM 0 comments

 
Bastard of the Day
My life has rarely been enriched by the Chicago Tribune Web site's message boards, but combative commenters have reached a new low arguing about the death of bicyclist and teacher Amanda "Mandy" Annis.

Cyclists and motorists have been duking it out on the Trib's message boards frequently this spring. Every article about bicycling draws hostile responses where each side condemns the behavior of the other. Discussions get especially heated regarding articles about cyclist deaths. Most commenters don't even pay attention to the facts behind each story -- they just trot out a tired litany of reasons the other side must be to blame.

I've grown used to the hatred and ill-formed arguments by now, but the comments about Annis really struck a nerve. For most of the day, the Tribune had a brief article about the incident. Anti-motorist and anti-cyclist commenters faced off in page after page of often mean-spirited messages. Then this afternoon, the Tribune replaced the brief with an in-depth article about Annis -- her kindness, her achievements, and perhaps most heartbreaking, her pending engagement. The Tribune included a photo of the smiling young teacher in her classroom. This was a woman who had already done good things in her 24 years and had an even brighter future.

After the updated story was published, a wave of comments from friends and family remembering Annis appeared on the message boards. Alas, they were interspersed with those of the warring factions who were unable to give up their pointless dispute, people who'd been quarreling all day and probably didn't even know the Tribune had posted a new version of the story. I wish those grieving for her didn't have to plow through such malicious nonsense.

And yet, it got worse. As family and friends wrote of this young life taken too soon, some bastards had the audacity to say, in essence, "Save your remembrances for the obituary. This is a news story, and you can't stop us from fighting about it."

For a sense of the intensity of the debate, look at how many comments were posted and the ID number of the last comment. As of 11:30 PM, there were 255 comments, and the last ID number was 319. That means 64 comments -- 20 percent -- were removed by Tribune editors for crossing the line of decency.

Annis' death is tragic by any measure. Shame on the bickering bastards who can't set aside their conflict for a little compassion.


UPDATE 05/02/2008 - In a Tribune commentary, Kevin Williams offers a suggestion:

...Wheel Freedom Day. No wheels. No skates, bikes, cars or cabs. Everybody's on foot until we all calm down. Because everybody is mad, and nobody is thinking.

Naturally, his commentary has drawn even more argumentative bastards into the fray. Meanwhile, Annis' smiling, young face graces the top of the Tribune's homepage this morning.

Labels: bastards, bicycling, Chicago

- posted by David Johnsen @ 11:31 PM 0 comments

 
Quote of the Day
"Early in life I had to choose between honest arrogance and hypocritical humility. I chose honest arrogance and have seen no occasion to change."
--Frank Lloyd Wright

Labels: architecture, quotes

- posted by David Johnsen @ 7:05 PM 0 comments

 
Bastard of the Day
Reverend Jeremiah Wright is overdue for this award. He can say whatever he wants, but I wish he'd shut the hell up until mid-November. Whatever his objectives, I can't see how sabotaging Barack Obama's campaign will help achieve them.

Obama is really getting screwed regarding religion. Early in his campaign, he got labeled as a Muslim. That didn't stick well enough, so now he's being tightly coupled to Reverend Wright and his controversial statements. Muslim or Christian, Obama gets hammered regardless. He might have better luck as <gasp> an atheist.

Labels: bastards, election08

- posted by David Johnsen @ 12:59 PM 0 comments

 
Book Reviews: Twinkies and Meth
Twinkies and meth, the breakfast of champions!

• Twinkie, Deconstructed by Steve Ettlinger -- This is a fascinating look at the modern world of food manufacturing. The author works his way through a Twinkie's ingredients list, visiting processing plants all over the U.S. -- sometimes under high security -- to see how each is created. I learned a lot from this book, and I was particularly surprised that some nasty petroleum products such as naphtha and benzene are involved in food production. Ettlinger explains how food scientists use chemicals to overcome the shortcomings and inconsistencies of traditional baking ingredients; a homemade Twinkie would have little in common with the Hostess variety. Most baked goods contain the same ingredients, so the book is not solely for Twinkie aficionados. To my relief, the author remains objective throughout rather than ranting about "fake" foods as is the fashion.


• No Speed Limit: The Highs and Lows of Meth by Frank Owen -- I usually provide my family with a list of books I want for Christmas, but I decided I'd rather buy this myself than field questions about why I was so interested in crystal meth. Owen tells the history of meth, discusses its influence on certain subcultures, and considers whether it is truly the demonic drug that media hype makes it out to be (in a word, no -- despite the scare campaigns, it's not any more addictive or difficult to quit than other hard drugs). Most people don't know that amphetamine and methamphetamine were provided to soldiers on both sides during World War II, and many are too young to remember that they were commonly available in pill form in the U.S. fifty years ago (over 3.5 billion pills were manufactured in 1958, enough to give 20 doses to every American!). The author describes several methods of producing meth (he does not provide recipes) and how the market changed as these methods were perfected. He visits the infamous Uncle Fester, who figured out how to make meth as a Marquette chemistry student and wrote a book about it while in prison. Owen even "takes one for the team" by using the drug and describing its effects. No Speed Limit takes a restrained, unhysterical look at the "meth epidemic." It includes an extensive bibliography but unfortunately lacks an index.

Labels: books, drugs, food

- posted by David Johnsen @ 12:33 AM 0 comments

 
Economically Stimulated
This morning: Received economic stimulus rebate via direct deposit.

Tonight: Hookers and booze!

Labels: alcohol, economics

- posted by David Johnsen @ 8:09 PM 0 comments

 
How I Wasted My Monday Morning -- PNW 2007 Updated
The most attentive readers of my Web sites (everything except this blog) may have presumed that I am fond of double spaces between words and extra spaces after quotation marks (like " this" ). Actually, those extra spaces bug the hell out of me, but for some reason, my HTML editor inserts them willy-nilly.

Last night I was going to send someone a link to my 2007 Pacific Northwest road trip. Then I clicked on a couple of the pages and noticed way too many of those stray spaces. I also saw that the page headers wrapped in an ugly way if the browser window wasn't wide enough. So this morning, I removed every double space from every single page. Then I did the same for unnecessary spaces following quotation marks. Along the way, I reread parts and made a few other corrections (why didn't anybody tell me Kahlua was misspelled?). Then I used a nifty little HTML trick to fix the headers (created a table sized by percentages with three cells justified left, center, and right with hidden borders). I don't know why I didn't do it that way in the first place.

Why am I writing about this? Mostly to justify the two hours I spent, I guess. Also, after poring over my Web site statistics this weekend, I want to draw more attention to this under-visited neighborhood of my little Web empire.
- posted by David Johnsen @ 2:26 PM 0 comments

 
Bastard of the Day
As some of you may know, I share DJWriter World Headquarters with two little bastard felines. Since they don't get along with our dog on the first floor, they live down the hall from my swanky top-floor office. Despite my sympathy for cougars, I think the world would be a better place without household cats. I utterly despise them, and I'm embarrassed to admit that I live with them, lest someone think otherwise.

It's bad enough that these particular cats once belonged to my wife's sitzpinkler ex. Sometimes I think he O.D.'d and died just to curse me with their presence. Now they are getting older (not fast enough -- those damn things live forever), and the vet told my wife to feed them canned food to help keep them hydrated. Needless to say, it reeks to high heaven. The stink drifts right down the hall, casting a fetid pall over my office. Additionally, the cats regularly regurgitate those malodorous meals on my floor.

Sadly, I'm used to all of that, so that's not why they are today's bastards.

I came home from the grocery store -- where I even bought @#$%& canned cat food -- to find one of the cats comfortably snuggled in a pair of my cycling shorts! Oh, how cute! Yeah, and how convenient that the cat is football-sized because I wanted to punt that little bastard into the next county. Instead, I just yelled at her until she ran away. Tonight (just minutes ago, in fact), the little bastard did it again. This time I launched her decisively across my office and out the door. One might suggest that I put my cycling shorts elsewhere, but that would be surrender. I'll just keep smacking her until she takes the hint.

Only one cat has been in my shorts, but I'm giving this award to both so the other won't feel neglected. I loathe them with all my canine-lovin' heart.

Labels: bastards

- posted by David Johnsen @ 10:01 PM 0 comments

 
I Always Associated Him With Motorcycles
Here's some pro bicycling news from earlier this week:

Halfords signs Laws

Britain's leading women's team Halfords Bikehut has strengthened its squad with new signing Sharon Laws. The 33-year old, who has returned to the United Kingdom after working in South Africa and Australia, will ride her first major race for the Team at Flèche Wallonne on April 23.

Judas Priest fans are probably wondering if Halfords will break her.

Labels: jokes, pro cycling

- posted by David Johnsen @ 2:53 PM 0 comments

 
Two Musicians
Two lines of lyrics come to mind today:

I woke up this mornin' and none of the news was good
--"Jerusalem" by Steve Earle

Seems everyone I know is gettin' cancer every year
--"Puttin' People On The Moon" by Drive-By Truckers

I got up at 7 AM and saw the second most viewed story on the Chicago Tribune's Web site: E Street Band member Danny Federici dies at 58. Federici wasn't the most famous member of the band, but he was one of the first to work with Springsteen -- they started playing together before I was born. I haven't kept up with the band since I saw them at U.S. Cellular Field in 2003, but I learned from the obituary that Federici had been fighting melanoma for three years.

While reading e-mail, I learned that another talented musician, guitarist Chris Gaffney, died yesterday of liver cancer at age 57. My familiarity with this relatively obscure Californian stems mainly from his playing with Dave Alvin, the former Blaster who is one of my favorite songwriters. I knew Gaffney was sick because I had read about the "Help Gaff" site soliciting donations for his costly treatment, but I had no idea the end was so near.

Labels: music, tributes

- posted by David Johnsen @ 10:57 AM 0 comments

 
My New Favorite Color: TEAL
By TEAL, I mean the Typo Eradication Advancement League:

This March through May, we, sworn members of TEAL, will be taking a road trip around the country to stamp out as many typos as we can find, in public signage and other venues where innocent eyes may be befouled by vile stains on the delicate fabric of our language. We do not blame, nor chastise, the authors of these typos. It is natural for mistakes to occur; everybody will slip now and again. But slowly the once-unassailable foundations of spelling are crumbling, and the time has come for the crisis to be addressed. We believe that only through working together with vigilance and a love of correctness can we achieve the beauty of a typo-free society.

A Quixotic journey and a love of language -- a great combination! Follow along on their blog.

Hat tip to Andrew Mueller by way of AlterNet.

Labels: grammar and spelling

- posted by David Johnsen @ 11:30 AM 0 comments

 
Bastard of the Day
Today's award goes to the trigger-happy Chicago cops who killed a cougar in the Roscoe Village neighborhood last night. I'll bet those bastards fancy themselves as big game hunters now. Of course, taking down a cornered cougar with ten freaking shots isn't exactly expert marksmanship. Sorry, I just don't buy the excuse that it was ready to attack. That sounds like a story concocted to deflect public outrage. Too bad the cougar wasn't in my wife's district -- she certainly wouldn't have shot it (she probably would have fed it cat treats and brought it home!).

People are saying that the police couldn't have been expected to have tranquilizers, but that excuse doesn't hold water, either. The cougar was first reported in the morning. By 6 PM, when the big cat was killed, numerous police/animal care and control workers/game wardens/zoo workers/whatever should have been roaming the neighborhood with tranquilizer guns ready.

Somebody needs to control the squirrel and stray cat populations in this city -- not to mention the proliferation of yuppie toddlers -- and that cougar was just the one to do it.

UPDATE -- Before someone waves this in my face, let me note that just because experts say the killing was "justified" does not mean it was the ideal course of action or outcome.

Labels: bastards, police

- posted by David Johnsen @ 10:12 AM 5 comments

 
More BikingIllinois.com Updates
Adding to BikingIllinois.com is my excuse for not posting much to this blog lately. Here are the newest additions:

11 - Ride the White Elephant
12 - End of the I & M
19 - Des Plaines River Trail
33 - Bring YourQuiver to the River

Please let me know if you find bad links, missing pictures, etc.

Labels: Biking Illinois

- posted by David Johnsen @ 12:51 AM 0 comments

 
The Money by James R. Phelan and Lewis Chester
Howard Hughes fascinates me. Not the brash, young aviator portrayed by Leonardo DiCrappio, but the codeine-addicted, neurotic, obsessive-compulsive, germ-fearing recluse whose business empire was nearly in shambles by the time he died. Then he weighed a skeletal 93 pounds despite being six feet and four inches tall. For all we hear about the mentally ill suffering in poverty, Hughes demonstrates the other extreme -- a person so wealthy that he built a surreal world for himself where no one dared intervene. One can't help feeling a bit sorry for Hughes as all his secrets, so closely guarded during his lifetime, were revealed for all to see in the aftermath of his death.

The Money isn't a biography. Rather, it is a study of virtually every complication that can arise in estate court. Although he was widely known as the wealthiest man on Earth, Hughes never signed a will and had no obvious heirs such as wives or children. The book details the search for legitimate heirs as well as several pretenders, most famously Terry Moore, who claimed to have married Hughes in two questionable ceremonies. Several alleged wills laid claim to the money, but the book explains how each was determined to be fake. The legal battles were expensive; they would have bankrupted a lesser estate. For starters, three states claimed Hughes' residency. While Nevada authorities didn't put up a fight (there was no state inheritance tax there, so why bother?), California and Texas had much to gain or lose. Hughes' hideous physical condition at death also spawned numerous legal actions against his doctors and handlers.

Along with the endless court battles fought in several states, The Money tells how one of Hughes' heirs, lawyer Will Lummis, struggled to repair the billionaire's financial empire known as Summa Corporation. First he wrested control from the men who had been running it into the ground during Hughes' later years. Then he set about straightening out myriad problems, taking the company from the brink of insolvency to a secure position that at least guaranteed that the heirs would get something of value.

Perhaps the most ironic part of this tale is the Howard Hughes Medical Institute (HHMI). During the man's life, this organization was little more than a tax shelter. All of Hughes' stock in the Hughes Aircraft Company (a huge defense contractor that was successful largely because the U.S. government forced Hughes to install good management and leave it alone) was transferred to the HHMI to avoid paying taxes. During his lifetime, the HHMI spent very little on medical research. After the Hughes estate was sorted out, however, the organization began disbursing millions for important medical research worldwide. So this cynical tax dodge evolved into the lasting legacy of the peculiar billionaire.

If I taught a class in estate law, I would make this book required reading because it examines so many issues. Yet for all the complications in this story, The Money is quite readable for the layperson; the narrative never devolves into arcane legalese. It isn't an ideal introductory book about Hughes, but the authors (who have written other books about him) provide enough background that prior knowledge isn't necessary. I would recommend this book to anyone fascinated with Hughes and his wealth or curious about the many facets of estate law.

Labels: books

- posted by David Johnsen @ 10:44 PM 0 comments

 
BikingIllinois.com Updates!
Two years after Biking Illinois was published, I still haven't "finished" the BikingIllinois.com Web site. I originally intended to put up photos of every ride along with a write-up of my experiences planning and pedaling each one.

After a flurry of work over the past week, I can at least say that I'm halfway done. I also added ride numbers to the main page and the individual pages. I'm sure I had a reason for omitting them before, but I've forgotten what it was.

The latest narratives aren't up to my usual level of verbosity. Frankly, I did these rides nearly three years ago and don't remember much beyond what I wrote down at the time (which is already in the book, of course). The new rides include photos and some background about how I chose or named the routes, but don't expect details like those in the day rides and tours at DJRider.com.

Here are the most recent additions to BikingIllinois.com:

18 - Busse Woods
34 - Goodbye Norma Jean
39 - Havana
49 - Greenville
50 - Watch for Wild Turkeys
59 - Lucky Horseshoe
60 - Give Peace a Chance

I also added an unfortunate update for Ride 13: the Chester Gould-Dick Tracy Museum in Woodstock will be closing in June 2008 due to a lack of visitors.

There's more to come, of course, but I know better than to set any firm deadlines.

Labels: Biking Illinois

- posted by David Johnsen @ 11:20 PM 0 comments

 
Bastard of the Day
Some spamming bastard has been spoofing my Biking Illinois e-mail address to send ads for knock-off watches and handbags. I know this because I have received more than 1,200 "delivery failure" messages from e-mail servers around the world in the past week. However much you dislike spam, you won't know true hatred until a spammer starts using your address. If I could get my hands on this bastard, I'd do things even Dick Cheney would consider cruel and unusual.

God only knows how many of this bastard's messages reached their intended recipients. So far, I haven't received any hostile responses -- with the possible exception of a message in Czech that I can't translate* -- but I surely didn't make any friends this past week. Thanks a lot, you bastard.


*If anyone fluent in Czech is reading this, please tell me what "Tato schránka je trvale mimo provoz" means.

Labels: bastards

- posted by David Johnsen @ 4:08 PM 0 comments

 
No More "Happy Endings"
From today's Alderman Schulter Reports e-mail:

Alderman Schulter is pleased to announce that, after requesting an investigation on a local business operating without a proper business license, Cook County Sherriff Tom Dart arrested four individuals in connection to a prostitution ring operated out of Bamboo Massage at 4351 N. Western Avenue. This establishment has now been officially shut down.

If you think about it for a moment, this really shouldn't have been too difficult to figure out. What is bamboo? According to Wikipedia, it's "the fastest growing woody plant in the world." Essentially, this local business of ill repute was named "Woody Massage."

Labels: crime, Lincoln Square

- posted by David Johnsen @ 5:07 PM 0 comments

 
A Challenge to W. Axl Rose
If the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing aren't enough inspiration, maybe this will help:

PLANO, Texas (March 26, 2008) – Tired of a world in which Americans idolize wannabe singers and musicals about high schoolers pass as rock ‘n roll music, Dr Pepper is encouraging (ok, begging) Axl Rose to finally release his 17-year-in-the-making belabored masterpiece, Chinese Democracy, in 2008. In an unprecedented show of solidarity with Axl, everyone in America, except estranged GNR guitarists Slash and Buckethead, will receive a free can of Dr Pepper if the album ships some time -- anytime! -- in 2008. Dr Pepper supports Axl, and fully understands that sometimes you have to make it through the jungle before you get it right.

This marketing campaign is brilliant. No unreleased album has suffered such a long and twisted history as Chinese Democracy. Axl has hired and fired countless sidemen, thrown several tantrums, and remixed the whole mess a dozen times. I remember following this saga online ten years ago when the disc was already "long awaited." Since then, Guns N' Roses has done multiple tours supporting this legendary non-release. I'm surely not the first writer to quip that Axl is waiting until there actually is democracy in China.

Would I buy Chinese Democracy? My interest in GnR has been waning for so long that I probably wouldn't bother anymore. Besides, disappointment is almost guaranteed after 17 years of hype and anticipation. Even Appetite for Destruction, a genuine classic, may have collapsed under the weight of so many mixing sessions and band roster changes.

If I had a can of Dr Pepper for every supposed Chinese Democracy release date I've heard, I'd... well, I guess I'd really have to pee. Will Dr Pepper's challenge finally get Axl to stop remixing and start pressing CDs? You can follow all the exciting inaction on the Chinese Democracy When? blog.

Labels: marketing, music

- posted by David Johnsen @ 2:48 PM 2 comments

 
Bastard of the Day
I've been against the Iraq War since before it started, and I have always supported free speech, even when it nearly got me booted out of high school. But Catholic Schoolgirls Against the War, the group who squirted fake blood on parishioners at Holy Name Cathedral during Easter mass, win the Bastards of the Day award.

My ire stems from one paragraph deep within the Chicago Tribune's story:

Catholic Schoolgirls Against the War, however, may have been preaching to the choir—literally. Both Pope Benedict XVI and the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops have opposed the war since its inception, with the pope using his own Easter homily Sunday to renew calls for an Iraq resolution that would "safeguard peace and the common good." After the service, the cardinal reiterated the Catholic Church's opposition to the war, but he said mass is not the place to protest the U.S.-led invasion.

The Catholic Church does not support this war, so why disturb an Easter mass? That's like protesting at the French embassy. If the Schoolgirls (who aren't all female, btw) had any guts, they'd be squirting blood on Bush and Cheney, or at least squirting blood in those bastards' churches (aside from the issue of whether to politely respect religious gatherings in general). Or maybe they should have protested in the giant evangelical Christian churches -- those worshippers helped reelect Bush/Cheney, implicitly supporting the war. I have a hunch that most Chicago Catholics vote Democratic.

While Sunday's action succeeded as a publicity stunt, I can't imagine it helped the Schoolgirls' cause much. Naturally, they issued a statement that perfectly illustrated the ridiculousness of the protest:

The statement lauded protesters' efforts to remind the churchgoers that George and Daley met two months ago with the president, described as the "principal public figure responsible for initiating the carnage in Iraq."

So they protested at Holy Name because Cardinal George and Mayor Daley met with President Bush? Do they have any idea how many people meet with the president? Why don't they go squirt blood on the championship sports teams that get invited to the White House? Also, do they know what George or Daley might have said to Bush when they met? I sincerely doubt that Cardinal George gave Bush a big thumbs-up on Iraq. I can't imagine Bush cares how a cardinal and a mayor feel about the war, anyway.

For that matter, why didn't the Schoolgirls go squirt blood on Mayor Daley? I know why -- because he has police security, whereas Holy Name is an easy target. Sheesh, all they had to do was push past a 70-year-old usher with cancer! Wow, those Schoolgirl bastards sure are brave!

Labels: bastards, religion

- posted by David Johnsen @ 12:20 PM 0 comments

 
Thesaurus Fun
Ever try to find the right word in a thesaurus and come across something wildly inappropriate for the tone of the piece? I imagine that's what inspired this recent Onion article:

87 Killed In Violent Kerfuffle

ISLAMABAD—Eighty-seven people were killed and 114 wounded at an open-air market in Islamabad yesterday in one of the worst ruckuses to hit the Pakistani capital in years. Witnesses said that the bloody to-do occurred shortly before noontime prayers, and that dozens were instantly killed by the doozy of a shockwave. Many more were reportedly trampled to death in the rush to escape the foofaraw.

While visiting The Onion online, I also discovered that my favorite columnist, stoner Jim Anchower, has his own homepage!

Labels: jokes, language

- posted by David Johnsen @ 1:33 PM 0 comments

 
Get a Life!
Literally:

SYDNEY, Australia - A painful breakup with his wife has prompted a man to put his entire life -- his house, his car, his job, even his friends -- up for sale online in an effort to start over. Ian Usher, a British immigrant to Australia, said Tuesday he would auction everything he owns and more on eBay starting June 22. "On the day it's all sold and settled, I intend to walk out of my front door with my wallet in one pocket and my passport in the other, nothing else at all," Usher says on his Web site. Up for bid is Usher's three bedroom house in the western city of Perth and everything inside it, his car, motorcycle, jet ski and parachuting gear. Usher says he is also selling a one-time introduction to his friends and a trial run at his job -- a plan endorsed by his friends and his employer.

If nothing else, Usher, 44, has set a new record for most extreme midlife crisis.

Labels: weird news

- posted by David Johnsen @ 8:37 PM 0 comments

 
Bastard of the Day
Pro cyclists are tested regularly for illegal subtances. But sometimes a cyclist truly deserves privacy:

Belgian cyclist Kevin van Impe raised strong objections to being visited by anti-doping controllers while he was making arrangements for the funeral of his infant son this week. The Quick Step rider was at a crematorium in Lochristi, Belgium when a drug tester showed up demanding the rider provide a sample, and warned that he would face a two-year suspension if he refused.

Oh, sure. It's the old "burying my dead baby" excuse that cheating cyclists always use to evade testing! The drug tester was just following orders, so the BotD award goes to whichever heartless, inflexible governing body is responsible for this (the news brief isn't clear). Sheesh.

Labels: bastards, pro cycling

- posted by David Johnsen @ 5:52 PM 0 comments

 
My Six-Word Memoir
This meme, likely inspired by Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six-Word Memoirs by Writers Famous & Obscure, is making the rounds on cycling blogs. When I first read about the book a month ago, I had no idea what mine would be. Actually, Jennifer's memoir would work, but I can't just write, "Ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto." Besides, if I wanted to copy someone, I'd probably go for my favorite entry from what I've seen of the book: "I like big butts, can't lie."

Sometimes the answer is that there is no answer. Hence

Brevity isn't my thing. Buzz off.

That's the clean version. I don't think I'll bother submitting it at www.sixwordmemoir.com.

Labels: books

- posted by David Johnsen @ 5:52 PM 0 comments