The blog of Chicago-based freelance writer David Johnsen.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Bastard of the Day
The guy who stole my doorknob is today's bastard. My wife went out to put some garbage in the alley and discovered that the doorknob on our garage walk door facing the alley was missing. Fortunately, the guy (I suppose it could have been a gal, but I doubt it) was still unable to open the door after removing the knob, so nothing was missing from our garage. Then again, I could imagine someone breaking into our garage and deciding not to take anything. The only item of any value is my mother-in-law's old snow blower, but if that was really worth something she wouldn't have left it in our garage last winter -- she would have been using it herself. Our bicycles have been stored in our basement since two were stolen from our garage the day we got back from our honeymoon, so they weren't in danger. And our lawnmower is the kind without a motor, so I don't think anyone would steal that.

Regardless, some bastard did indeed try to break into our garage, and he stole a nice doorknob. Alas, my wife says the police will probably just write it up as "criminal damage to property" because they are under pressure to keep the numbers for crimes like "attempted burglary" to a minimum. But of course, the only reason for removing our doorknob was to attempt to gain entry into our garage. I mean, it wasn't that nice a doorknob that someone would just steal it and leave. Just to embarrass my wife, I threatened to call the police station every day for the next month to ask them whether they have any leads on our missing doorknob. Let's face it; reports like this might as well go into the circular file.

This is actually the second doorknob on that door to be vandalized in some way in the last five years (also, some gang bangers spray painted graffiti on our overhead door shortly after it was installed, for a total of four crimes against our garage since 1999). The first lock was a cheap no-name installed by a contractor, but this one is a Schlage. On the bright side, we never enter that door from the alley, so as long as it still locks from the inside I don't have to replace it.


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